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After the punch line in each of these five instances, the participants snickered, smiled, and laughed. A good, honest beginning avenue for problem solving was then established, because humorous interactions can lead the way toward constructive relationship problem solving. Without the emotional lift that results from humor, problem solving and the joys that can follow are likely to get lost in a sea of bickering.
Gallows humor. Crusty comments such as, “You look handsome in that new outfit – especially since you’re 30 pounds heavier than the day we got married” or “Dear, you look gorgeous – today,” can lead to a hardening of feelings toward one another.
Consistently accepting blame when not at fault can also be made into a pot of resentment. Too quickly taking responsibility for something that went wrong when you did no wrong frequently leads the way to unangry restraint fast on the heels of angry restraint.
No relationship is ideal. Sustaining a good love life requires all the help two people can muster. One way of gaining the edge in favor of love rather than living on the edge of love’s hopes is to identify and cultivate a common enemy. Don’t beat it to death, mind you, but this other-directed love- improvement strategy can provide a unique advantage for your relationship. Examples of how negative common ground can contribute to a more positive relationship include: a common cause such as supporting an environmental project; actively campaigning for a political party; plotting to protect yourselves against the wiles of a difficult-acting relative; or writing a joint letter to the editor that reflects your strong concerns about a controversial community happening. An unusual bonding can be made to happen by such active expressions of common grievances.
Avoid such self-centered thinking as: “Well, I wouldn’t mind being teased this way, so he shouldn’t either.” – “She is just going to have to learn how to accept me and my manner of expression if she has any hopes of getting along with me.”
Withhold love and affection when treated harshly. Show your loved one that there is no free lunch and that there is an entry fee for viewing and experiencing your warmth and kindness. Show that your love is to be earned, thus encouraging mutual respect, an important ingredient in determining whether love lasts.
